


Bold of You To Assume Gender is Real

by ughdotcom



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Agender Character, Alternate Universe - Human, Bigender Character, Crack Treated Seriously, Don't copy to another site, Gabriel is a dick, Gen, Genderfluid Character, God is Done With This Shit, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Other, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-26
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:01:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21573430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ughdotcom/pseuds/ughdotcom
Summary: Gabriel has started a trans therapy group.Where he tries to make people, including his own friend Michael, cis.It isn't working.~~~~“And are you really fluid in your gender?”“Are you really not fluid in your gender?”“Do you have a dick or a vagina?”“Sorry, I’m not attracted to you.”“You’re not a girl.”“Actually my ancestors came to me and said I was, so take that.”
Relationships: (IMPLIED), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 94





	Bold of You To Assume Gender is Real

“Welcome to gender therapy.” the boy sitting at the head of the circle said. Technically circles didn’t have a head, but this one just seemed too, and that was due to the three people sitting in front. “We will fix you.”

Anthony J. Crowley or, as she preferred to be called, Crowley raised a hand lazily. “Uh, this is pointless. None of us are getting ‘fixed’. We can’t even be fixed.”

The boy at the lead of the circle glared at her. “You will all be fixed after these 10 sessions.” eyes rolled around the circle. “Now we’re going to go around and tell our names, our real gender, and our fake genders.”

The first person in line was obedient, looking up at the man. “My name is Michael, and I have a male body, but I believe I’m female. Gabriel, please. Don’t make me do this.” The boy, Gabriel, just scowled at her.

“You’re mistaken, Michael. You have to accept that you’re a boy.” The three with him nodded.

The next one up straight up growled at Gabriel. “I’m Bee, I’m nonbinary because uh… I am.”

“What are you really though?”

“A bunch of flies in a trenchcoat.”

“No, what’s in your pants?”

“Flies.”

Gabriel sighed at pointed at the next person. “Hey, I’m Newt, and I have a girl’s body, but I’m a boy, and I thought this would be gender reaffirming, so I’m just gonna leave.”

“No, you’re going to stay. What’s your real name?”

“Newt. Do you mean my deadname? Cause I’m not giving you that.”

“Next!”

“Dagon. I’m bigender and I’m bigender.”

“What the fuck is even bigender?” the boy next to Gabriel asked.

“Yeah, Dagon, like Sandalphon said. What  _ is _ bigender?”

“I’m two genders. Boy and girl.”

“Fake.”

“Fuck off.”

“Pants?”

“16 lizards.”

Gabriel sighed, like the people around him were being the dicks, instead of him and his cronies. “Next.”

“Hi! I’m Aziraphale! I’m agender!”

“And?”

“I’m agender.”

“What’s in your pants?”

“Books!”

Crowley snorted before speaking. “I’m Crowley, I’m genderfluid and… genderfluid.”

“Pants?”

“Hellfire bitch.”

“I’m Anathema, I’m a girl.”

Gabriel sighed. The transphobe was going to have a hard time.

The whole group time was spent throwing insults at Gabriel, Sandalphon, and the other leader, named Uriel.

“And are you really fluid in your gender?”

“Are you really  _ not _ fluid in your gender?”

“Do you have a dick or a vagina?”

“Sorry, I’m not attracted to you.”

“You’re not a girl.”

“Actually my ancestors came to me and said I was, so take that.”

After 20 minutes into the 40 minute session the door burst open and in came four people. SORRY WE’RE LATE Said the person in front, dressed in all black and wearing a motorcycle helmet.

“Yeah, we wouldn’t want to miss the party.” the girl in red said. “Not when it seems so… hideous.” she wrinkled her nose at the circle that had a head.

“Scarlett. Raven. Chalky. You.”

“You know what we prefer, Gabe.” Scarlett said, a twisted smile appearing on her face.

“War. Famine. Pollution. Death.”

“That’s better.”

“I see you’re here to help me.”

HELP YOU Death said, and snorted WE AREN’T HERE TO HELP YOU. HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN, GABRIEL?

“Forgotten what?”

WE DON’T LIKE YOU. WE AREN’T LIKE YOU. WE’RE MORE LIKE THE PEOPLE SITTING IN THE CIRCLE. POLLUTION, EXPLAIN.

“I’m not a boy. Or a girl. Suck  _ that _ , Cale.”

Gabriel Cale froze. “Shit. Please don’t hurt me.”

“Us, hurt you? Tempting, but no.” Famine said. “No, She’s going to hurt you.”

“No.”

YES.

The people who called themselves The Horsepeople backed out the doors, and in came a yelling woman: God Cale.

“Gabriel Cale!”

“Mom.”

“How dare you! When you said you were manning a trans therapy group I didn’t expect transphobia! Come here, Gabriel! Here! And Sandalphon Grigori and Uriel Angelo! Come with me! And you’re perfectly valid Michael, don’t let them get in your head.” She walked out the doors, the three following sheepishly behind her.

Crowley laughed. “They got what they deserved!”

Bee spun around in their chair to the head of the circle. “Welcome to trans Therapy. Please state you names and pronouns. Then we can talk about the transphobia we’ve faced.”

Aziraphale and Crowley, who had known each other before, smiled and intertwined their hands.

“I’m Aziraphale, he/him and they/them pronouns.”

“I’m Crowley, she/her currently.”


End file.
